Sitting at work, I look across at the TV which show a series of images from Chromecast. The images are without exception of beautiful locations. The one which captured my eye this morning is of Yosemite with its tall pines and cold sheer cliff face standing in its grandiosity, quiet and strong. I look at it and yearn for a time where I can sit in a cabin nearby, with a fire roaring while I write in quiet solitude. I enjoy the isolation, it fuels my creativity. But wait…
I am a mother of young children, they are reliant on me for everything. I am reliant on my job in order to provide for them. I am unlikely to have solitude for quite a long while yet. When I was alone and single thinking there was little chance for me to ever have children, I yearned for the joy and love of children and mourned for what I thought I would never have. Now, a moment of solitude in the car on the way to work (hardly real solitude or calming in any way) is something I look forward to.
Why do we (ok I) have a tendency to not recognise and appreciate what we have, when we have it?
I had plenty of alone time when I was single and wanted badly to change it, never fully appreciating the freedom and simplicity of my life or the limitless options available to me. I didn’t travel extensively, or go out every night. I limited my career decisions to leadership roles but nothing bold or out of my comfort zone. It is only with retrospect that I see how much time and opportunity I wasted. I didn’t nurture my interests or skills, I was always too worried about someone else (and for no good reason).
I tell myself now that I had my time to have solitude and pursue dreams but I didn’t take it. Is it bad luck for me? Game over? Is my yearning for solitude selfish?
Solitude and time to reflect, write, read is not something one can get in one dose of and never require again. It is something that is needed for my soul. It is something that all people need. Inner peace and balance helps us all to be better parents, friends, lovers and even employees. So, I am striving to find a way to incorporate this into my life without taking time away from my children. Is there a time limit on chasing your dreams? Is there a rule that if you haven’t achieved it by 40 that you cannot?
It’s a far away and probably audacious dream and many would call me ridiculous for entertaining the thought, but if I don’t try, I will never know.